An “Open Letter” to the Vegas Golden Knights

 Greetings and salutations Vegas Golden Knights organization and welcome to the league. I know you’re pretty busy with this whole creating a team from scratch thing. I get it, I play NHL17 (a little too much if you ask my wife). I just wanted to take this time to let you know how great of a defenseman Brooks Orpik is. 

Brooks Orpik is a wonderful defenseman. Truly a nice guy. Great locker room presence. He even has a Stanley Cup ring with the Pittsburgh Penguins, but I’m sure you’re aware of that. He is also a solid American. A true patriot. West coast kid, Vegas is close to San Francisco. He would feel right at home.

Sure, his numbers aren’t great, but even Wayne Gretzky had some down years. He won’t be putting up 30 goals a season, but what he will do is bring this brand new team together and make them a contender right away. Worried about that contract? Don’t be, you pretty much have 100% of your cap space free. There is a salary cap floor you need to keep in mind.

I know what you’re thinking, “well Phillip Grubauer or Nate Schmidt would be a great addition,” and you’re right. Both are fine young players that would help any organization. But, there is something you should know about them. First, Phillip Grubauer. Thought he would make a fine goaltender in Vegas? Yes, he is a really good back up right now and should be a starter in this league, you should also know he has never seen an episode of The Simpsons. I know right? Gave me chills, too, when I found that out.

Also Grubauer is German, just like the villains in Die Hard and Die Hard With A Vengeance. Even their last names are similar. Gruber. Grubauer. Really makes you think. When he was graduating high school, Phillip only received signatures in his yearbook, he never wrote in anyone’s at all. Not a stand up guy in my eyes.

Now we move on to Nate Schmidt. Very good depth defenseman that has a great shot and stick handles even better. A young Mike Green, someone has probably called him. But, did you know that Nate prefers the Val Kilmer Batman over all the others? Yeah, that’s not even the worst thing, we’re just getting started. Nate also never uses his turn signal. Like, never uses it. But the worst transgression is a Patrick Kane level controversy. In his youth, Nate Schmidt illegally downloaded thousands of songs. He had all the software, Napster, Kazaa, Limewire. You name it, Nate had it. You don’t need that, not with a new team that hasn’t even played a game.

Sorry you had to find out this way, but I have high hopes for the Vegas Golden Knights and thought you needed to know. Brook Orpik, an American Patriot. Phillip Grubauer, possible relation to Hans and Simon Gruber. Nate Schmidt, music bandit. I hope this helps you with your decision about which player you’ll be taking from Washington. Thank you for your time.

By Doug Lorman

About Jon Sorensen

Jon has been a Caps fan since day one, attending his first game at the Capital Centre in 1974. His interest in the Caps has grown over the decades and included time as a season ticket holder. He has been a journalist covering the team for 10+ years, primarily focusing on analysis, analytics and prospect development.
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